I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
