Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
