Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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