i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
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