Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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