Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
