she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
