so I'm never txting u again after today...
y?
cuz i don't wanna see it on blogspot :)
ha...too late
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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