can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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