I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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