so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Randomize
