I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
i came on her dog
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
