nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well I just put wine in my tea
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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