I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
