Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
