Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I need a beard to bite.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize
