Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
