i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize