What tipped you off? The sombrero?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
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