My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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