i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
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