I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
