the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I could make wine with my vomit
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
Randomize
