i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
