my phone needs a breathalizer
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize