It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
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and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
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No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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