i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
