I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
He tripped and fell all the way to the ground and then stood right back with out spilling a drop of his 3/4 full glass of rum and coke. It was like watching something from the matrix
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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