Your dad touched me again.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Randomize
