i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
