I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
