I can't breathe out the right side of my face
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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