im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I am one with the molecules
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
