U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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