There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im six kinds of drunk right now
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Semen is not good for contacts.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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