I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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