My Higher Power is John Stamos
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
