Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
