Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
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Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
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I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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