Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
