I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Randomize
