I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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