she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
