I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Randomize
