So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.