i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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