I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
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He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
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I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize