this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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