Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
Randomize
