I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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