do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
