dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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