at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
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