Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
she wanted me to tie her up with my playstation charger cord. i kept on hoping she wasn't a squirter. those cords r expensive. could have def been a Sony commercial tho
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
