so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
I can't stop drooling did you spike my drink?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
