You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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