i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
