Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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